gUiLt sTrIcKen 

i have to sleep. i did not get enough sleep.
my eyes are tired but my mind is listless
i have worries, a lot of them are trivial
i do not worry about you no more
i know you are in a better place than me

you are still here i can feel you still
can you see me from there?
please forgive me i have let you down
please guide me so i can made it up to you
can you smile for me?
so i can be sure you heard me

i need to forgive myself soon
i won't be able to start living my life
knowing in my heart
i have pained you
how can i forgive me?
how can i forgive myself?
please tell me.

in memory of the person who knows me BEST

i am at lost. for words. words of weight. words of reality. so i will try to sort my jumbled feelings and thoughts in these simple phrases.


i made plans for us today, next week, this month
i am looking forward to your smile, seeing your smile makes me happy
i can see that moment in my mind clearly yesterday
i was going to make up for my blunders and tardiness
seeing you again will ease away this guilt
why did you not wait?  it was my fault i know
i have been wiping the tears, heavy tears of regret and sorrow
the what ifs makes me really angry, i want to shout
i do not care what others will say
they can't hurt me anymore
no pain is as great as what you've left me
please remember you have been loved
and right now you are being grieved
this pain, sorrow, guilt will be my strength
and this is how i am going to end this.


         

       Jose Eduardo M. Chua Jr.
         May 24, 1948
         May 15, 2010
 my father - who made me happy, sometimes angry ; who made me who i am.

THE CAKE EATERS

First, I like the title....although from the cover I know it got nothing to do with Eating cake!
This is a relatively small budgeted film done by no other than Mary Stuart Masterson! Rings a bell? We know her from "Fried Green Tomatoes" (shame on you- if you've not seen that) how about "Law & Order - Special Victims Unit"? OK.....this you better know: "Some Kind of Wonderful" 80's classic romantic flick! With her tomboy short hair....BASTA!

Second, I got curious bcoz I saw Kristen Stewart's name on it....(paging Twilight fanatics..)
I watched Twilight and I have to say I second the motioned Stephen King's comment on Stephenie Meyer's writing skill "she can't write worth a darn!" the movie was also cheeesy!
Although I love the cinamatography---characters and acting and the script ofcourse are just LAME. Ok Ok getting back to the CAKE Eaters...

I saw KS in a different light -- she is a terminally ill teener who wants to experience life before her time runs out. I have a schoolmate back in Elementary who suffers from the same illness....one of her leg is shorter (i think) and she needed support to be able to walk. Let's call my schoolmate JQ, at that time her elder sis stays with her at school, she was one tough girl, i mean she bullies us! I saw KS in the movie & I see JQ in our school cafeteria lording her sister, her friends....and just now I found out through the movie that people with that illness may not live long....I wish JQ fulfilled her dream of finishing college, maybe having a BF....being kissed, having sex!! Coz that's what KS did try having & doing in the film.

Against her protective mom & grandma's wishes she seduced, i mean SEDUCED a normal guy -- well not exactly normal , cute weird maybe. And I think she eventually fell in love with the guy....(called Beagle) :-p Although the guy was actually already in love with her from the start ---- she realized that this guy really care for her. Aside form the 2 loveydoveys -- theres also Grandma & Beagle's pop affair, Beagles' big bros hang ups and the sleepy town's going ons.

I love the setting, the easy script, the unusual family set up and the actors.
KS did this film in 2007 way before Twilight. BTW there is something about the films I like and their titles...remember 7 Pounds? hehehe and Cake Eaters....I like weird titles.hmmmm

Next stop --"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". I do adore Pitt & Blanchett.
Let's see if it continues with this movie...For starters, I didn't have the pleasure of reading the book, but The Great Gatsby-- I've read. They are ofcourse both written by F. Scot Fitzgerald. Interest sparked in the beginning...a baby born wrinkley, with athritis..heart condition, like an 80 year old man --- lives each passing year looking younger and younger -- who wouldn't be caught with that kind of plot...what will happen to him? The narration as a whole is slow and leisurely, like the character of the man himself. There was an element of innocence and freshness in the scenes that reminds me of Forrest Gump. Admittedly, this was not a award winning piece for both of them.. not that they acted shabby. Their characters are just too squared -- i will not say the same with the script -- i like how the supporting characters made the story REAL for the two leads. And i love the new orleans "twang" -- Pitt & Blanchett are both beautiful in this movie but i felt they had no on-cam chemistry. They glowed individually but not together --- but still it was a REALLY GOOD watching experience as a whole. Will read the printed version soon.

To continue with my "JOY Inventory" -
On my List today are the following:

(1)I woke up and got out of the house real early, in time for my Saturday teaching duties..(as far as i am concern..) I think we had fun while learning, judging from the laughs and guffaws of my victims--hmmm students.

(2)A cool student of mine gave me a "hand-gloves" scrub-- i hope i got it right. It's from The Face Shop, can't wait to try it. I love scrub thingy but haven't tried the gloves kind..i am a "puff" kind of scrubber (if there is such a term). And she gave it to me because...OMG i didn't even ask! But i said super "tili" thank you! I think its for my Bday- i told you more gifts will still be coming..

(3)At first, i did not find it something to smile about or even considered putting it here on my inventory-- but i decided not to be too hard on myself-- after not reviewing for the unit test for "kanzen" patterns 1-58, i got 80/100. Not too shabby, i say!

So there's my inventory for you. Something to smile about!
I will try to continue this List from hereon, for hope of lessening my gloominess, my laziness, my craziness :-p