gUiLt sTrIcKen 

i have to sleep. i did not get enough sleep.
my eyes are tired but my mind is listless
i have worries, a lot of them are trivial
i do not worry about you no more
i know you are in a better place than me

you are still here i can feel you still
can you see me from there?
please forgive me i have let you down
please guide me so i can made it up to you
can you smile for me?
so i can be sure you heard me

i need to forgive myself soon
i won't be able to start living my life
knowing in my heart
i have pained you
how can i forgive me?
how can i forgive myself?
please tell me.

in memory of the person who knows me BEST

i am at lost. for words. words of weight. words of reality. so i will try to sort my jumbled feelings and thoughts in these simple phrases.


i made plans for us today, next week, this month
i am looking forward to your smile, seeing your smile makes me happy
i can see that moment in my mind clearly yesterday
i was going to make up for my blunders and tardiness
seeing you again will ease away this guilt
why did you not wait?  it was my fault i know
i have been wiping the tears, heavy tears of regret and sorrow
the what ifs makes me really angry, i want to shout
i do not care what others will say
they can't hurt me anymore
no pain is as great as what you've left me
please remember you have been loved
and right now you are being grieved
this pain, sorrow, guilt will be my strength
and this is how i am going to end this.


         

       Jose Eduardo M. Chua Jr.
         May 24, 1948
         May 15, 2010
 my father - who made me happy, sometimes angry ; who made me who i am.